Lyrics are used many times between us and has plenty to describe our relationship...and plenty to explain the amount of intensity between us, when we're so overwhelmed that simple words can't explain how we feel about each other any longer.

So here's to Superhuman - Christ Brown feat. Keri Hilson

We're in this pretty deep and she calls it "the end of no return". We don't know if we can survive the 3 weeks I'm away. I'm sure we can...we'll just need a lot of distractions.

So, two weeks ago (roughly) i celebrated my 16th birthday.
In exactly 6days i will have been out to my family for a year.
I have 1 year left of school. ever. =D

And I feel like things are slowly falling into place and that life is getting back on track.

Sure, i still have alot of complications to sort out. I still have many things that im, not ready to let go of.
But life is getting better.
And I like it.

Im not dating anyone, Im not crushing on anyone.
Its good :)

First up, OW GOD MY BACK OH CRAP IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
ok.
So it's the summer holiday now and I get 2 months off before I start studying 40 hours a week, yay, can't wait. (NOT sarcasm!)

A and I went to my friend H's house last night to play Shadowrun. J and JD were there to, I find JD rather sexy indeed and the gaydar indicates he is NOTs traight, so does A's, he's at least bi, we're sure. Also to back this up, I flirted with him and he even flirted back! Holy crap *pants dive* I really want him but I'm not sure what to do, should I just flirt and leave it, or I should I straight out ask if he's interested? I'm so bad with these things.
God I want him....

I love you Oasis! *kiss/huggle*

I'm ridiculously obsessed with tegan and sara. They're playing in Vacouver (canada) in February and I wish I could go. It's like 100 miles from Seattle, near where I live. Tickets are only $33 but I don't have a passport PLUS I would have to go withmy dad and that would be LAME LAME LAME!
I hope they come to the US relatively soon while I'm still this crazy about em.

DAMN!
=]

So I'm back at school now, and I finally got to see my friends again. Lunch just isn't long enough. I haven't gotten to see them since last friday. So I was really excited to see them. And I loved talking to them, but it just didn't last very long. I had my voice lesson, so I couldn't stay after school and hangout with them at the bike racks like I normally do. I really wish I had been able to. I just feel like I have all this tension built up from not being able to see them. I was looking forward to seeing them all break, and then I didn't get to. Like, I was counting so much on seeing them, and really being able to see them, that when I didn't it really has effected me.

I don't know. I just feel empty, you know, like theres this itch I can't scratch. I hope I'll be able to stay after school to talk to them. So I want to go to one of my friends houses for the first time, but I don't want to seem I don't know, like I'm inviting myself? I don't want to invite them to my house, mainly because it embarasses me. I know, that sounds horrible, but it really does. I love my family, really I do, but I don't know. I live in this town where everyone lives in really freaking big houses, and even though I know my friends don't theres still this weird feeling. My house is really small, and its always messy, and my brother is a huge dick. So now, I'm not sure, I really want to go hang out with them alot more. Like, I want to see them outside of school. But I have no clue how to go about it. I can't invite myself to one of their houses.

So, nothing new on my 'almost' thing with C. I emailed her a bit ago, I don't know, I really need to talk to her, but I'm not sure what I'm going to say. God, what do I do? i don't know if I want to hav a relationship with her or not. Shes really cool, but I thought I was over her. I was so into her last year. I was this timid, closeted dyke who was completely and utterly teriffied of the idea of coming out. But at the same time, totally wanted to, and she was this amazing, out, confident, strong girl who was everything I wanted to be. And I was completely in love with her. Well, okay, i totally wasn't in love with her. but I thought I was. I was infatuated. Completely and utterly. I thought I loved her, but I didn't I know we wouldn't have made a good couple at the time.

I don't know, so maybe, I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Of course, the whole, 'dating the ex of an ex' thing. When I was dating E (my ex girlfriend), we talked about when she dated C. Not in a mean way or anything, just like a sharing stories type of thing. And so I got to hear about kinda what it was like to date C. I don't know, it sounded pretty bad, but you can never really know with things like that. I don't know. Should I date her? Should I get to know her again? Should I not even consider it because of our history, I mean, I decided along time ago that it was a really bad idea for us to date. I don't know, maybe its a really stupid idea. I don't even know if I should have kissed her. That would make me feel all these emotions anyway, but I would still know if she felt the same way or not. Its the not knowing thats killing me. Ugh! I thought I already had this drama! Its like watching re-runs of my life. Same thing, only slightly different. I don't know if she likes me, but I know that if I wanted to, I could ask her out. I don't know, I have alot more confidence than I did before. So I don't know, god, I need to think about this.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out....

At the beginning of each week I always hope it'll go by quickly, but this one is going much too fast. Because-- oh God oh God oh God --

because Saturday

Saturday is auditions.

And I would be much less stressed if I hadn't made it last year. Now, if I don't make it, the shame will just kill me, I'll seem like such a slacker.

Last year. I practiced violin so much for those auditions. I had a goal, you see. The year before I hadn't made it, and I'd been trembling so hard with nerves I could barely play. My goal, last year, was that I would go in and I would play my best and I would not shake. I failed in that goal, but I made the orchestra. I felt so calm before I went in the audition room. I was in control, I'd talked myself down in my mind and I wasn't scared at all. Mentally, I suppose I was prepared. But my physical reaction was something else. I walked in and the tremors started. In my legs, in my fingers. When I started playing, applying pressure with my fingers helped some and the shaking wasn't that noticeable, but when I moved my sheet music on the stand between excerpts I was shaking so hard I knew the judges could hear the paper rustling violently against the stand.

So I played my best despite the shaking, and I made it. I should be fine this year, right? But I can't convince myself. I've been so busy I haven't had enough time to practice. And what if I can't overcome the nerves this time?

So I don't make it. Big deal, get over it. At least you made it once. There are plenty of violinists in the state who probably deserve it more anyway.

(The first sign of madness is talking to yourself.)

Oh, I read Candide over Thanksgiving. And every time I read "Voltaire," the voice in my head says, "Lol-taire."

It's a funny thing. When I think in words, it's not quite spoken and not quite written but something in between, kind of both, kind of neither.

I'll shut up now... have a lovely lovely day.

this will be roughly, my 593rd journal here on oasis. i've been a member here for 3 years and 24 weeks.

riku's journal and the fact that oasis is thirteen years old today made me think of it...

i can't believe how much has changed. how much i've changed. how much everything has changed in just those three years...

wow...

i can actually honestly say i wouldn't be the person i am today without oasis...