hannah aitchison makes me happy.

she's soooo cute! i don't care that she's old enough to be my mother, she's freakin' sexy.

in other news, i'm addicted to those little sliced jalapeno things in the jar. god, they're good. and i love how they smell. they're wonderful. also, i just found out that they're sort of good for me! yay. the brine they're preserved in probably deters from that a little bit, but eh....

also, i might end up being an RA at the dorms next year. i'm kinda nervous about that, but kind of excited. i mean, i'd pretty much have my own apartment (they're 1-4 bedroom suites, not rooms), but i'd also have to be responsible for an entire floor of idiot college students. ehhh....i'm gonna apply and see what happens.

the entire penal system needs an entire do-over. ugh. no active rehabilitation process, overcrowding due to ridiculous sentencing, etc...

god.

My mother. 51. Blonde and big-haired, trapped still in the 80s. Pleasantly plump in the way that middle-aged women are sometimes plump. Frequent laugher. Quietly homophobic. Still blithely proud of my academic achievements, etc., yet so dreadfully unacquainted with me. It’s been nearly two years and she still doesn’t know that I’m in a relationship with a girl. Or that I’ve ever been attracted to girls for that matter. My mother does not in fact know anything about me at all.

I trust that real gays will find it objectionable that I haven’t yet found the courage to tell her. I say “real” gays because even after 5 years of experiencing various attractions to this girl with the short pink streaked hair at the party, or that girl there with the wispy, floppy bangs at the lakes, I’m still not entirely a real gay.

There are still the boys, you know, the dark continents – somewhere on the crinkled map between the rocker chicks and the nerdy girls. There’s the stubborn stupid heteronormative wiring in my blood, in my brain. I still feel the silent thrilling tug when a cute guy flirts casually in the drive-thru. I imagine I’ll always refuse the image of me sitting at the end of my life, wheezy and grey in a rocking chair across from another wheezy, grey woman. It shakes me to the core, shakes all the gay right out of me. Suddenly that one memory of a cute girl “warming” my hands on the bus one winter and me feeling shocks, electric butterflies in my stomach- was only a distant fantasy and didn’t mean a damn thing. Suddenly all that means anything is the vague thrill of flirting with a boy in the drive-thru. Suddenly I have a burning desire to be boring, and predictable. Wonderfully, wonderfully predictable.

Then, ah! there’s my mother, lurking in the background of all this.
And anyway it isn’t about courage, really. It’s about convenience. It is simply more convenient to allow her to think that I’m slowly becoming some sort of weird college spinster, too ambitious to have the time or patience required to date the boys currently in the dating pool at my university. Letting her know about my lovely girlfriend on the other hand involves throwing a big fat wrench in the already defective machinery of our relationship, and would only make us hate one another. Hate is quite obviously a step down from mutual bewilderment- how did I birth you-how are you my mom.

So courage be damned; convenience wins out at this point. I’ll carry on not telling her, and she’ll no doubt carry on being proud. Remote and bewildered at our differences, but somehow proud.

love breaking benjamin. I wrote a poem today. I decided not to share it here but here's another snippit I wrote just now, unrelated to the poem. It's a big deal for me because I haven't written in months. I used to write a lot I guess.

my minds an open book
i wish you couldnt see
i wish you couldnt read
but the pages are out and open
and the words are in red ink.
my eyes are hollow tunnels
into a lonely soul
and if you stare much longer
your mind will be engulfed.

So... I had a pretty good day. My "ex" stopped by to see me at lunch time. And well... J screamed at her. That wasn't very nice. So I called her after school today to see what was up. And she was calling to ask why I sent her a weird picture.. yeah. Not my proudest moment. I admit. It wasn't topless... but it was close. And well she wanted to know why I had sent it. Well I didn't have to talk about that. Good thing too.

And she and I got to talking. We can actually be pretty good friends. And we caught up. We hadn't actually talked since like a month after my dad got engaged. He's been married three months. We didn't talk about that. But I remembered it. Actually she wanted to talk about all our failed instances of trying to be a couple. We were really cute. With our failing to know how to communicate and worrying if the other person actually liked us. But things weren't ever official. And somehow we just stopped talking.

So we got to talking. And it turns out that we both are interested in one another again. Or.. still. I'm not sure how that worked for her. So we're dating. But I mean. It's going to be real slow. We can't go to the movies, or the bowling alley. We have ... like bad stories about that. And I'm not talking like sexual stories. I mean. Like we fought horribly a few times there. *eyeroll* But it was a mutual thing to like... not go those places.

So what I'm trying to say is that.. I have a girlfriend.

*sigh* But. I know that my friend J will be super jealous. And want to punch her lights out. *twinge* And while as hot as that would be. I don't actually think I want to see that. It's not fair for J to be jealous. She has a boyfriend. And she's "happy." So. Why does she care so much?

So, after coming out to chris last week, which was totally a relief, although it has created some stress over teh last week, i feel good about that decision. he has, however, re-interested me in applying for scholarship applications for pride. i feel liek i may have a chance at it, and i also want to put in the diversity section of my UW app that i am gay, and in fact, being a homosexual has changed my views on prejudices that i have had in the past, judging others before I really knwo them, and that sort of thing.

I JUST don't know about it yet though. the deadline for my UW app is in a week, and i haven't even started on the essayt section. some people have given me advice on what i should write it on, but i feel that living on my own for the past two years and payign my own bills, and volunteering @ local parks etc won't be the best topics. i dunno.

The thing is, I really do need the money. my mom will be leaving the country soon to teach overseas, and that will leave me on my own for college. problem is, due to my mom's portion of my grandfathers estate, she will also have to file for like 200 grand this year as her gross income, which is nothing like the 4o k a year she normally makes as a teacher. hopefully that will not affect my scholarship apps or my ability to get into the UW on FAFSA. we shall see.
\
The one positive thing on PRIDE app is that my psychiatrist used to be on the approval board and could probably put in a good word for me. i don't know yet though. i really do want to tell my mom this year as it was my new years resolution, but i feel it is always such an awkward topic.

I DO think that mentioning my sexual orientation WILL affect my application as a student to the UW in a positive way, but I also feel it will hugely affect my life in the next year, and over the years to come.

what do you guys think i should do? I also wanted to write about PTSD and overcoming my depression as an issue i have overcome, but instead, my mom suggested that i need to write about overcoming my struggle w/ diabetes or something like that.

gaahhh, soo much shit to think about. why do they have to make gettign an education so damn hard?!?!?!? lol.

thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated.

still doing my PDQ Bach titles. lol

anywho, i just got Guitar Hero: IV!!!!! i can't wait!

i'm gonna go play now! Be happy for me!

BD

Last night I dreamed I drove to Robyn’s college with a letter and a red rose, and when she met me in the parking lot I explained how I used to be in love with her, and how even though we were growing apart, I wanted our story to have a happy ending. I stood there and explained how one moment from her would transform the past five years from a tragedy of unrequited love into a struggle that was worth it in the end. And then I gave her the rose, and kissed her. It was beautiful. And then I woke up.

The problem is: now I want to do it.

I have nothing to lose. She knows I like her; she likes me, too. Or at least, she did. In the dream it was like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I felt so free and alive. Like in that one moment, when the one thing I’d been dreaming of for the past five years finally happened, it made all the pain worth it, and I could finally move on.

The thing that’s scaring me is I’m only two and a half hours from standing outside her door, with a rose. Would I be crazy enough to do it?

Waiting. Right now I am waiting. I am waiting for her to come around. Because I know what I feel and what I felt, and I'm not ready to give up what we had; even though she's not ready to see what's there.

I'm aiming to learn in the meantime though. About myself. About what I want out of my relationships.

so, turns out i was all freaked out over nothing.
i never had my sexual preference posted on facebook.
ever.
i had the same freak out a couple months ago when my mom's (reeally cool) friend Gretchen requested me.
i already knew gretchen would be totally cool with everything...
[it's her husband who gave me the tickets to see/meet Anthony Rapp - and the show was during a monthy Pride Night in the Southside ^.^] but i wasn't ready for her to know yet.

If it was "Uncle" Dave... maybe. - he's not really my uncle. i've known him since birth, and that's what he called himself when he wrote a little dedication in The Giving Tree, which he bought for my birthday a while ago. I still consider him my uncle.
He went to school w/ my mom and Gretchen and they were/still are all best friends. I found out a year or two ago (from listening in on my mom's conversations :P) that he's gay. He's also probably the coolest "family" member i have.
He used to be in the Peace Corps, and went all over the world. He has a school named after him in Kenya. Now, i'm not sure what his job title is. But I do know that he's in the Innagural Parade, by invite of the Peace Corps.

*sigh*
i'm in a rather good mood today.
i got an A on my software apps final.
(which is amazing since i have such a harsh teacher)
:] by this time next week, i'll have my braces off and midterms will be over. and i'll finally start General Art *cheers*

what do you say to a 46 year old friend, who recently broke up with her partner of 9 years, who is now telling you that she has a new 'sweetie'? oh, and did i mention the added twist that she used to be your teacher??

HELP! i mean, i'm totally jazzed for her, and really happy that she's getting out, and stuff, but...what do i say?? i mean, i'm 17! when my friends find a b/gf, it's great, but they have all different issues than a mature, experienced woman! which just made her sound like a 70 year old whore. um....yeah!

it's awkward!! at least, to me. i find situations like this often are. i just don't know what to say to convey what i'm thinking without sounding like an idiot.

i mean, is it appropriate to ask for some of the details? (which she offered, and i don't want to think about the one's she's NOT offering, lol) could i say "can't wait to see you to hear all about it?" cause, to my perverted and horny mind, that's not a question i want the answer to.

the good news is, she's out of the house for most of this weekend, so i get to spend the day with His Cuteness!!! :D :D he's the cutest cat EVER! and, i get to spend the day at her house, which rocks. it's amazing. it's cozy, and just...homey.

arg!!! i still don't know what to say! it's embarrassing, and i don't know why! i'm her friend, right? but i don't want to say the wrong thing, ya know?

BD

No, like seriously, like I haven't gone to school at all this week. I'm on steroids, cough medicine, and albuterol. Woot. I'm having so much not fun. I'm watching TV, while my GPA goes down the drain. I can't do anything. Like, it hurts to breathe, so I pretty much just sit here all day, feeling sorry for myself. I'm watching Veronica Mars. I love that show. I'm watching the episode with all the queer kids. Its really cool. Actually, its funny, the site that they made up for the show sounds alot like oasis. Its funny. Thats what made me want to log on. I'm not actually used to logging on anymore. You know, out of practice or something. Anyway, I feel like crap, so I'm going to go try to sleep it off. Bye, hope life doesn't suck for all of you guys.

i am now going to title my journal entries based on works by PDQ Bach. because he/she rocks, and because i'm sitting next to my music stand, on which i have a small book of his/her work.

okay, it's only 3 pieces, so this thing of titling journals on his/her work won't last very long. SUE ME. :P

so, as any self respecting dyke should have, i own a SHMEXY leather jacket. which i love, and adore, and would love to have sex with. the only problem is, it doesn't have a hood. and the collar sucks. i have short hair. my head and neck get COLD. and since i don't have a good hat, and hate wearing scarves, i like to have a hood. so, what i had been doing was wearing a sweatshirt under the jacket, and voila! hood!

only problem is, it doesn't get THAT cold. so, wearing leather jacket + sweatshirt = too hot!

so in my genius, i took this old hoodie that i have, that i never wear, and cut the sleeves off! voila! nice thin 'vest' w/hood!

it's a really cool hoodie, too. it's black (duh), and it's got 'Terror' written in red, sorta gothic letters across the front, bisected by the zipper. anywho, it looks awesome without the sleeves.

in fact, so awesome, that i was admiring me in it last night, in front of the mirror, and realised that it would look even MORE awesome if i wore it while binding. i might have to wear a tank under it, so the wraps i use don't show, but it would look SO hot.

i wish, sometimes, that i were a guy. if i were a guy, i'd were my hair at shoulder length (which i think looks better on the guys that i know than the girls), and i'd probably have a gotee (and i could probably spell that, too), and i would DEFINITELY have my ear pierced. just one.

i hate how people think of me. most of the people i know are pretty cool about me, whoever i am, but some of it, they just don't get.

people...i don't know how to describe it. they think of me as a tomboy, and i'm not. tomboys (my definition of the word, don't get bitchy if it doesn't fit yours) are girls who, regardless of their sexuality, do 'boy' things, even wear 'boy' clothes some of the time, but at the end of the day, or whatever, they go home, and clean up, and put on some make up, and a dress, and go out with their friends.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against that kind of woman. my best friend is like that. she's tough as nails, but she likes to get all dressed up sometimes, and put on 'girly' things, and even wear make up.

i'm just not like that. i am who i am. what you see is what you get. i wear 'boy' jeans, and t-shirts, and my idea of getting dressed up is a suit and tie. and no, i don't mean one of those skirt and blazer ensambles. i mean a suit, with the shirt buttoned to the collar, covered by a tie.

i have never felt sexier than when i was wearing a tux. well, okay, i have, but that's private!

i think i disappoint my mom, a lot of the time. she doesn't let on about it, but i think that i do. i think that she wishes i were a bit more 'girly'...just so that we'd have something in common. cause really? we have nothing in common. and i've tried. i took years of cello lessons, and months of guitar. my mother has the most amazing musical talent, but it's just not for me. i love music, don't get me wrong, but i don't have her ear.

i've never been interested in shopping, or makeup, or anything. she's not uber into that stuff, but she does, on occassion, like to go out and buy a nice dress or something (case in point, the ball my folks went to at hearst castle a few years ago).

it's not that i don't like to look nice when the situation calls for it, it's just that i want to wear dress pants, a blazer and a tie.

and partially that's just my reaction to clothes in general (my motto: if you can't run across a muddy field in the rain in it, why wear it at all?), and partially that's my gender issues.

i'm just not girly. i think my mom, and some of my friends, expect me to have a really girly side, but i don't. i've tried. i wore a skirt a few times (yes, that counts!), even shaved my legs. i own two pairs of heels (one is knee high black boots with 2 inch heels that i would love if i were a gay guy in drag), and a few 'girly' tops. but i feel...awful in them. i feel exposed, and...not me.

i'm not the type of woman who can do both. do 'mens work' (god, my feminine side is SCREAMING when i say that, but it's the best way to describe it, and what i mean is stuff like firefighting, police work, that sort of thing which SHOULDN'T be mens work, but in truth, that's how we see it), and then go home and bitch about how unflattering your uniform is, and rub in lotion, and put a dress on for your date.

i don't know how else to describe it. i'm so much more a man than i am a woman. except i'm not. in a lot of ways, i'm very femanine. how i deal with people, how i react to the world in general, in a lot of ways i'm very typicly femanine.

i once read that being butch is being a woman in a different way. butch women (like me) aren't trying to be men, they're just woman in a way that society doesn't allow.

it bothers me, that i don't have words to describe myself. not define, not box in, but describe. i'm a dyke, yeah, but that doesn't quite cover it. maybe butch does, except that the traditional butch image is almost totally irradicated. now butch just means you can use tools, and maybe fix the car. it's not an indication of how masculine or femanine you are.

i'm trying to decide now what i want to use as a new nickname. garret, gary, or gerri. i like all of them, but i'm not sure which will suit me best. gerri might be good in some cases, because it can be sort of androgynous, which the others are pretty much just boy names. at the same time, though, i really like gary. and garret. i don't know...any suggestions?

i'm good at fooling people. i'm a quick thinking, and a quick talker. i always have an answer for everything, right on the tip of my tongue. so people don't see my doubt, or my fear. in school, i always knew my stuff. i always had my hand in the air first, and always had the answer. so i guess nobody noticed that i never did my work, or turned in any assignments.

i tell people about my plan to be a firefighter with CDF, and i always end it with "and i don't really know where i'll go from there", and invariably, they say "well, it sounds like you have a good plan, and know what you want."

NO!! no i don't!!! i don't have a CLUE! i want to try out firefighting, as well as being an EMT, but after that? i don't have a CLUE! but people don't see that. i don't know why not. i guess i SOUND like i have a clue, but i'm just as scared as the rest of you.

i want to do so much, there's no way i could choose. i want to work on a ranch, i want to work as a parks ranger for National Parks. i want to be a cop, and a firefighter, and a paramedic. i want to go to med school, and be a surgeon. i want to go to law school, and be an ADA, or maybe a public defender. i want to study anthropology, and visit Africa. i want to live in Ireland, maybe work on a farm. i want to be a drag king comedian, or maybe just a comedian. i want to live in New York, and Chicago, and San Fransisco, and London, and Mendocino, and Susanville, and all these other places that I've never heard of.

i don't have a clue what i want. maybe a soldier, or a martial arts instructor, or a scientist. astronomy sounds just as amazing as macrobiology.

right now, i'm thinking about becoming a rancher, but 3 years ago, i was dead set on becoming a cop. before that, a Marine. before that, a physisist. maybe a teacher, or a professor, or a counselor, or a phsychiatrist.

i just don't know. and it's so frustrating, because i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it. they all see me as having this huge master plan, for some reason, and they don't believe me when i say that i don't know. i have a 6 month plan, at best, but even that's shaky. what if CDF doesn't want me? then what? i have no real contingency plans.

i've got my whole life ahead of me, and it terrifies me that i don't have any idea what i want to make of it. i want to help people. that's all i know for sure. whatever i do...it has to in some way help others. and, eventually at least, i want it to be something satisfying and enjoyable.

oh, and a carpenter. that'd be awesome. maybe i could get hired by a construction crew, or something. maybe that's what i should/could do if CDF doesn't hire me.

i feel like a fraud sometimes. people come to me for advice, and somehow, i always say the right thing, but it's mostly by chance. i don't feel like a great friend, or think that i'm so good at reading people. i'm just...lucky, i guess.

i know a little bit about a lot. i can hold my own in a conversation with gamers, just as easily as i can debate politics. i can sound coherent talking about the military, and sewing. i have a good memory, and people mistake that for intelligence.

i'm not sure i'm as smart as people think i am. i'm not afraid to voice my opinion, sure, but i'll be there are tons of people out there with their own ideas, who just don't speak up. that doesn't make me precocious, or smarter than average.

and the worst part, to me, is that i like the attention. i'll deny it to the bitter end, but i like being at the center of things. well, i do and i don't. it depends on what 'things' are. i like being called smart, or whatever, even though i don't think that i am. no more than the average teenager.

people just think that because i'm more interested in 'grown up things', that i'm smarter than my peers, and that just isn't so.

BD

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D I do not know enough shorthand, or emoticons, to thoroughly describe my joy!

i e-mailed Radclyffe, my hero-author, last night, sort of on a whim, and SHE E-MAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH! MY! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this makes me so happy!!!!!

I can't wait til Em comes over tomorrow, so that i can share my joy!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is so cool!

okay. deep breath. i'm just one of probably thousands of fans. it's not personal. BUT SHE E-MAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!

this is almost as cool as meeting Sally Ride!!!!!!!!!

which makes me sound like a TOTAL geek. :D which i am! and PLEASE, people, PLEASE don't ask me who sally ride is. if you don't know, first shoot yourself, then google her, then bow to me in recognision of your lameness.

WOW!!!

BD

Apparently, after years of running it without a hitch, my computer hates Firefox. :D isn't THAT joyful? every time i open firefox now, it just doesn't respond. oh yeah. i was watching a movie on cracked.com (whcih, btw, is the best site EVER...other than oasis, of course. and xkkd.com), and it just shut down. firefox, not my computer.

i do not understand what the problem is! i'm going to restart my laptop, and see if that'll fix it, otherwise...

any suggestions? i'm using internet explorer, so PLEASE GOD, let me fix this soon. i HATE IE7. i hate ALL the IEs! give me firefox, or give me death!

BD

okay. as you MIGHT have guessed from my rather unsubtle screenname, i'm, well, how can i say this? i'm not femanine. not even a little bit.

only, i have the most womanly body you can imagine. i'm not going to go into detail, but i do NOT look like your typicle, head turning, manly dyke. and i hate it. i want to be able to bind, to do drag, but it hurts like hell, because i have largish breasts (not HUGE, but not tiny, either), and i can't really look like a boy (not with my hips...). it sucks! i think god is laughing at me...

and worse? my name is THE MOST FEMANINE NAME EVER. i swear to god! i can't even make a masculine nickname out of it. i have the kind of name where i introduce myself to people and they say "oh, i have a great aunt named that!", or "oh wow, that's my grandma's name." it's so screwed up. and (and yes, this sounds horrible), but it totally ruins my image. i mean, i'll be all dresesd as boyish as i can get, and as soon as i introduce myself, people assume that i'm waaaaay more girly than i actually am.

the closest thing to a guy name (or even an androgynous name) from mine is Marty, which is what i want to use if/when i ever get into drag.

OH. wow. i just realised that there's another one, that i like way better. HMMMMM. lol see, good things do come of ranting! i could totally go by garret, or even gary. i like gary! :D lol or maybe just ger. or gerri, like one of my fave authors. OOOOH!!!

oh man, that makes me so happy! and it doesn't really fit exactly (like Liz from elizabeth), but neither do half the nicknames that people get from my name! :D :D :D yay!

woot! i can't wait until i can introduce myself to someone, so that i can use that! i like gerri. and it has the added bonus of not being my mom's cousin's name. :D lol

in other news, i had dinner with N tonight, and had a blast. she's just cool. i really like her, so i'm really glad we're getting to know each other better (and before all you romantics get any ideas, she's more than twice my age, has a partner and a kid, so we're JUST FRIENDS. lol).

and tomorrow Em's coming over, which is really cool, cause we always have a great time, even though we don't get together that much. she's just...she's one of the only people that i can just talk to. where i don't feel embarrassed by, well, anything. and she tells me embarrassing stuff all the time, too. and it's just cool. we don't judge each other, and we only laugh if it's okay. and speaking of laughing, it's so cool, cause she GETS my jokes. she laughs!

and wolf, she's great, but half the time, i'll joke about something, and it'll just go right over her head. she's totally accepting of me being gay (we've slept in the same bed, that's how cool she is), but she doesn't get my gay humor. like i'll quote something suzanne said, or something, and she'll just not get it. or she gets it, but she doesn't think it's funny.

anywho...i was going to write more, but i've got to send out an e-mail with wedding pics (i'll post some here, if anyone's interested, if my aunts say it's okay. these are pics of my aunts' wedding...), and then i'm gonna go watch the daily show. :D

BD