Wow I realized I haven't written here for 2 weeks! I guess I also haven't really had time to write while I was back home. Dinners were continuous, and every night was a feast. I think I gained back all that freshmen 15 I finally managed to burn off these 2 1/2 years. Damnit! Now I have to lose it all over again!

A lot of my friends went on exchange to Europe so a lot of them stayed over there touring, while a small bunch of us came home. It was fun nevertheless, as long as I got to see my best friend and a few other close ones, it was all good.

Anyways...Christmas...could have been better in the house, but meh, things definitely changed. My mom definitely wasn't that happy with me when I got home. Mich surprised me with a watch I mentioned I liked the day before I left. I brought the watch to get the strap fixed. My mom saw the watch and instantly knew something. She gave me this threatening look and said, "Don't you dare take advantage of people!" I was thinking...what in the world are you talking about?! So I replied if my sisters bf gave her a watch she wouldn't say anything, instead she just kept staring with this look...and said, "You don't have to like girls! You just haven't met the right guy!blahblahlbha" I'm like "Mom this isn't a choice! She is not just a "girl" to me, she is a person I love, I can't change that fact. I came home this Christmas to see you guys, but with everything you're doing these days, you're pushing me away."
With that we ended our small argument, and never talked about it again.

My dad and I we just acted the usual around each other. We played golf, he was proud 'cause I finally beat his score, we had our usual conversations and jokes, and rewarded me with gifts and I felt bad about since they were pricey. It seemed like he reacted so well. Nothing changed until I was about to leave. I was getting ready and he came to me. I thought he was going to talk about the usual stuff like take care of yourself, have a good flight....but instead he asked "So how are you? So how are you and your gf? You guys talked often while you were home? Are you happy?" I was a little surprised but I was like "Yea I'm really happy, we're doing very well and we talk alot over the phone." And then this is where everything changed when he asked "Do you think you would like to see a psychiatrist?" I'm like I've been going to a psychiatrist for 9 months, but not for this! I know myself perfectly well on this case! I went to sort out other things in my life!
Then I don't remember when things turned bad, but the only time my dad ever laid a hand on me was when he smacked me lightly with a ruler on my hand when I was a kid. He smacked me hard on the back out of rage and frustration with my attitude, and what he calls "stubbornness" (which I believe is a trait from him). My mom came around wondering what the hell was going on, but we both blew her off because it was not her argument to get involved in. I told my dad to leave the room, but he kept standing there and I couldn't get ready with him around. He finally said he would leave if I would ask him in a better tone of voice. Before he left, (a funny part here), he was so mad he didn't know what to do he threw my make up case on my suitcase LOL...Random of him.
We just needed time to cool off from each other...so around 30mins later, right before I was leaving the door. We said our goodbyes and never mentioned a word about what happened.

I thought M was everything before Mich. But now that I see this is how a relationship could be when we hit such a stage with 2 highly intense people.
Mich and I have a lot we are afraid of in relationships, a lot we're working towards together within it, going through a lot of firsts together, and being honest with each other. Love to the both of us is not lightly used, even on both sides our friends know that we hardly say it. (Deep down they know we love 'em lol)
Like say this coming valentine's, it's both our first time getting a Vday gift for someone. We've both been with very few people. When it came to love, I'm the first person she gave all and said I love you to. Mich came along and made me realize when I said I love you to M or G, or the things I did for them, I didn't love them as much as I thought. I was so caught up in the moment before.
I love this girl, and when we said it to each other, I think we burned down a town with all the heat built up between us.

I've been back one day and so far my parents act like nothing happened a month ago, and my room now looks like a demo from ikea, other than the clutter. MY NEW BED IS SO SOFT AND THE SHEETS....UHHHH TO DIE FOR....I never wanna get out of bed now hahahaha.

My flight home was, beh long ass story. It was Vancouver-Japan-Hong Kong connecting flight. Air Canada delayed I missed my connecting flight and I stayed in Hilton Hotel Narita for the night (with Air Canada providing...if they didn't I would slap them like crazy). My flight was arranged to be at 9.15am the next day.
The only thing in English was Discovery Channel and the occasional shows on Fox. I had no cash on me, not even CAD dollars so I used my credit cards at the convenient store in the hotel. I found this egg salad bread that I got addicted to a few years back when I was in Japan, Pork ramen, and thank god, a pack of marlboro menthols. Those were the things that saved me.

The morning was crazy. I woke up at 5.30am, breakfast started at 6.30, and the shuttle bus I needed to take was at 7, my flight was at 9.15am. Basically I had 15mins to scarf down my food run for check-out and jump on the bus.
OK ALL the food at Japan is good, but I didn't have time to enjoy the rest of it! The breakfast was more than decent and I definitely could have had like...so much more..bahh...
Even the plane food was good. Any time I take a flight from Japan-HK or HK-Japan the food is always good on the plane. I never doubt the Jap's quality of life. Especially FOOD.

Finally got home Monday early afternoon (East Asian Time Zone)
There's more to say...but whatever...it was a long ass flight home.

"I think I'm falling in love with you."
"I think I'm falling in love with you too."

Our faces were touching, barely a gap between us.
We whispered to each other even though we could have yelled it on top of our lungs and no one else would have heard.

But we chose to whisper.

We don't make each other melt like cheese. We're liquid like cheese fondue. Thick batter, with a touch of tang from the fruit, and the never ending sweet aftertaste.

Lyrics are used many times between us and has plenty to describe our relationship...and plenty to explain the amount of intensity between us, when we're so overwhelmed that even simple words can't explain how we feel about each other anymore.

So here's to Superhuman - Chris Brown feat. Keri Hilson

We're in this pretty deep and she calls it "the end of no return". We don't know if we can survive the 3 weeks I'm away. I'm sure we can...we'll just need a lot of distractions.

Now that my mom knows she won't stop calling.
It's great to know that she still cares and she's not ignoring me. But half of the time she's suspicious asking if the DJ is around, what is she doing, why am I always alone, am I going to see her later...blahblahblah....and most of the time she does call it's all at the worst times! It's not even when the DJ's around. My mom calls when I'm leaving before school, when I'm heading to the library, when I'm making dinner...then she asks repetitively what I'm doing. It's like she's making sure that she's not around.

I was out having dinner with the DJ just now and my mom called in the middle of dinner. It was probably the worst phone call, I couldn't lie to her because she was so fucking suspicious.
I said I was out having dinner with friends, my mom was like who are they? I said a name of one of my friends...It was pretty stupid because she doesn't even know a lot of my friends over here, so I don't even know why she wants a name...but anyways.
Basically it went like this:

Me: Carmen's here.
Mom: Oh really? Put her on the phone.
Me: I can't really do that right now, she's eating.
Mom: What do you mean? She can still talk to me, you usually put her on the phone with me. Why can't you this time?
Me: Because I can't and that's just rude, she's eating, you're interrupting us.

But anyways, after a long try of lying, it obviously wasn't working very well.

Mom: you're with her aren't you?
Me: yes I am.
Mom: Why did you have to lie. You never used to lie to me. Why are you so dishonest with me? You never used to be like this.
Me: Yes I lied, but I have never been dishonest with you.
Mom: Why did you lie??
Me: I'm sorry mom, but I'm just having dinner, why are you even asking?
Mom: You're having dinner with her...I just don't think it's that great.

Then she goes on stalling me on the phone. She wants to say things, but she has no idea what else to mention. So she starts talking about a few random things back home that pisses her off...Which was bull...anyways...It finally ended when I told her my food was here and I really needed to go.

She called back later on the night when I was at the DJ's place watching TV.
My mom was all like, Are you sure you're just watching TV?! Yes mother, we watch a lot of TV together. It's not even a lie, we just like lying around together, making fun of TV shows or actually watching movies. The only parts of info I skip out on you is all the PDA (Not Public Display of Affection, but Private Display of Affection).

Sigh, she stays on the phone with me...sometimes for no reason at all, even when it goes silent. I know she wants to talk, but right now we just have nothing to talk about.

Sigh.
Something I've planned to do for over 2 years and I finally did it. It hurts for them for sure, but it also hurts for me that it had to happen. They're my family and I never wanted to hurt them, but this is me and they have to know. It's never a easy thing to do, and I had to do it over the phone since I'm not at home.

Basically like most parents would react, utter shock and denial. My mom kept repeating "No, she's just a good friend of yours. You don't mean it, it's not like that. No, this can't be...No you guys aren't in a relationship. You haven't dated that many people, you just haven't found the right guy. You can't just go for girls, you haven't seen enough guys out there yet. You're only 20, you don't know yourself, you're just confused. This is against nature! We're Christian! God didn't create you to be like this! OMG the world is coming to an end! It's people like you who makes the world end, it's against the state of order! Why! Why did you have to go break my heart? Why did you have to make me upset!?"

She threw so many words at me I just had to hang up on her. She called back in the afternoon, which was her morning in HK and started saying things like "I couldn't sleep, I'm so upset, so hurt, so disappointed, and I miss you, please don't be like this..."

I was also hurt by the words she threw at me. What could I do? Nothing. There is nothing to console her grief, because telling her is exactly like saying she lost a child. But in this sense, she lost the image she had of me.

(No mother, there isn't only black and white. There is also the in between. It so happens that the person I have chemistry right now is a girl, and nothing can change that. Yes, maybe in the future I'll be attracted to a guy. But right now the person is a woman whom I am leading a maturing relationship with, and we are falling pretty hard for each other. I never said my relationships are forever, but this is what's going on in my life right now. I am not confused of my identity, as bad as this sounds, that first kiss at 15 with a girl told me exactly who I was a second after it happened. I wish I could tell you this, but being Asian and Christian all at the same time, THIS kind of information would kill you even more.)

It was emotions she just couldn't pile together and expect me to give a good response to. I couldn't explain because she didn't give me a chance, finally I got in the shower and she called 6 times while I was in the shower. By the time I came out it had stopped ringing and my cell vibrated until it fell on the carpet.

She called back the next day and asked me if I was never going to talk to her again. (because there was a few times I hung up on her)
It was absolute role reversal at this point. She was acting like a 5 year old, and I was the adult. She said all these ridiculous words saying how I always felt like I was so perfect and righteous about everything I say, and how my "perfect morals" make me a perfect example. She just twisted all truths around.

While I was eating dinner just now my dad called. He got back from his business trip. He said my mom told him stuff, he didn't know the details but he had to call to ask me to clear it up. More or less he was in denial too, but he was rational and tried to give me advice about knowing people and just having "good friends" rather be in relationships. He's like "yea you can have a lot of good friends, like you know when you get married but you still have your best friend natalie, like your mom and auntie jeannie...and ablhalbha"....I tried to explain and he said he couldn't understand. I was crying like a friggin' waterfall...but in the end he said "no matter what it is, you are still who you are, and I still love you no matter what."

BALWERIJAG)@$%*@()$*%@)($%8

So yes....When I go home for Christmas....I will have to face more.

This is lame. There are so many things going on with the world, school, other people's life. Don't get me wrong, I still care for those....but yet, the only thing I can talk about and think about is her.
It's always her, her, oh her, it's her, here's her...HER. Everywhere.

She's got me pretty bad, and vice versa for her.
I think I need some duck tape to keep my mouth shut.

I'm still so young but I'm also hitting the next decade of my life. This calls for new beginnings.

A while I wrote an email to my 2 sisters, both older than me, who both know that I am bi, explaining that I will be coming out to my parents this Christmas.
I just got a birthday wish from my oldest sister. In the Birthday wish she included, "You know I always got your back. Will always support you and be there for you. You know what I'm talking about." I was so touched, I couldn't help but cry. Her acceptance of me and my choices made me so grateful and happy.

My friends had dinner with me on Sunday, though they were all so busy with school they made time and made sure I had fun.

The DJ I've been seeing has celebrated on Friday with me, took me out on the perfect date. She's coming over later after her gig to give me my present.

I think this is by far the best birthday yet. =)

I couldn't ask for a better Birthday date. =)

We celebrated my birthday early. She brought me to the best Japanese restaurant in town since she knew the chef there. I'm still drooling over the fish...*drools* She once said that if there was no one who wanted to watch HSM3 with me, that she would live through the torture. And she totally did HAHAHA. She lived through it, it wasn't that bad! I love how she was so spontaneous and said lets get some pinkberry yogurt afterward.
Time always passes by so fast when we're back at my apartment. In each other's comfort. We just lie around on my bed watching a movie. Then it hits 3am, the time when she decides whether to stay for the night or leave.

In the past I was always the one taking care of everyone around me. I was always in pain. I cared too much. I didn't know what happiness meant in my relationships, until now.
No smile lights up the room like yours, No music sounds better than laughter like yours, No embrace is warmer than yours, and No kisses melt my heart like yours.

No one makes me happier, than you.

"Let's Just Be - Miguel"
She already found a song that describes exactly how we are together. I guess it's cool being with a DJ? haha. We're both addicted to it.

This is so bad, I can't work properly, can't focus. She's the No. 1 distraction for everything in life right now. She can't get her mixes right because of the same reason.

On another note. I'm going to come out to my parents this Christmas when I go home. I can't bear living as....not myself when I'm back home. I'm so sick of holding a part of me against them. I'm really close to my parents, and as bad as it sounds for my sister, I'm my parents favorite child. Their expectations will definitely fall. Compared to my sisters I definitely didn't follow their bumpy roads, then all of a sudden they have to face this situation. Part of coming out is because I want my parents to know that their little girl is happier than ever, that there is someone who makes me happy. The other one is that I don't want to hide anymore. I've been hiding for 5 years, and have always tried telling them since I turned 18. I'm hitting 20 next Tuesday, I want the next decade of my life to move forward.

We broke so many records on "never have I done this for a person" list.

We're attached to the point it's not even cute anymore, it's becoming so intense. This is a whole new level I'm on in relationships, We miss each other when we're talking. We think about each other to the point where sleeping is almost impossible, and we won't go offline even when we're falling asleep on each other.
It's unbelievable the amount of time we spend talking on the phone, chatting on msn, or just seeing each other.
I've never had a relationship where attachment was so strong on both sides that being apart was unbearable.

we're both nervous of falling, yet it's happening and we're already too blind to see it coming.

We talked about insecurities. It so happens we both get nervous around each other, because we're both afraid of falling hard. She says she doesn't believe in forever, and I can understand that. Even I don't believe in forever, but I think I can see it coming. That we're both going to fall hard.

Her kisses melt me. They're sweet like candy.
I want more =)

we're starting to get quite attached to each other.
She came over last night and we watched 4 episodes of Dexter and Anchorman to lighten up the twisted tv show. By the time we were done it was 2am-ish and she ended up staying over though we both had to wake up early. she was talking to me online tired as hell, but she said it was all worth it. hehe.
We haven't kissed yet or anything. I don't know if it's because we're still shy about it, or we're just comfortable cuddling for now. I guess for now it feels like we don't have to. We're not pressuring each other to rush the relationship, that's the nice part.
It seems like such a pressure to do certain things once you get into a relationship. People start asking, but we're taking things at our pace and I like it that way. =)

We like cuddling =)
It's weird this time. Usually when a relationship starts I get all anxious, a little jolt in the heart, I don't know whether I move too fast or not, or I'm insecure about how the other person feels.
I'm so calm right now. It's probably because we made it really clear that we like each other, that we're taking our moves slowly, and we trust each other.
Usually it's so one sided, I'm always taking care of the other person, and looking out for them.
She makes me sink into her. She's that big hug from behind I was looking for.

We are shy idiots, the both of us. We didn't really make any big moves but the movie was great! I say, good choice by her. She lured me to give her a massage HAHA and I got one back too. (mainly because she tried to get me on the same couch as her. cute =) )
Well we've been having a playful banter about taking advantage of things. She supposed to take advantage of my massage skills and I take it on her delivery service for food since she's the one that drives.

After she sent me home, we were texting and she said "I'll try next time, but don't worry I won't do any of that corny shit like yawning then putting my arms around you."

So she's coming by my school to see me work in studio, awesomeeee. I can show her some cool stuff =D