love breaking benjamin. I wrote a poem today. I decided not to share it here but here's another snippit I wrote just now, unrelated to the poem. It's a big deal for me because I haven't written in months. I used to write a lot I guess.

my minds an open book
i wish you couldnt see
i wish you couldnt read
but the pages are out and open
and the words are in red ink.
my eyes are hollow tunnels
into a lonely soul
and if you stare much longer
your mind will be engulfed.

bad things come in twos.

So I had this record that I was trying to keep about not crying. It sounds dumb, but really when I felt shitty I cried a lot (a lot for me) and I think it just made me feel a lot worse. I guess I broke it today. I wasn't choking or anything, but a couple of tears escaped, and I hate cheating so I guess I have to start over. I always feel shitty right after school. From the bus to home always makes me depressed. I was going to take a nap and sleep it off, but I'm not tired enough. I was sitting in the dark watching tv and I thought how ridiculous I am. It's been a while since I've sat down and wallowed. But I'm not going to be doing it anytime soon either. I won't catch myself doing it. It's ridiculous. I'm much better than that.

In better news, today was the first day back to school. It was great because we had a 2 hour delay. I was so happy to see my friends again! I was pretty hyper throughout the entire day. I had a rockstar in the morning =] It was very tasty. The test in biology was super easy. Math was a review over crap I already know. And the only thing that sucks is that next english class I have to give a presentation and I absolutely hate hate hate presenting. It's really easy, I'm sure it's not that big of a deal, but I still don't like it. I guess I'll just have to get it over with though :X
Other than that I'm glad I don't have any homework tonight. I'm just going to chill because I'm alread starting to feel better. Everything is always temporary.

It is officially the last day of winter break. Well maybe not officially, but close enough, tomorrow I can't stay up late. I have to savor this, I have to make this last. Alone, again, as usual. Just like I like it. My one man parties are the best. I just kind of wish I had a rockstar or an amp, I like to call it my motivation. Caffeine is the cure for everything. It's my drug, man. If it wasn't so unhealthy I'd take pills. I'm not the kid who brings a monster to school everyday or anything, but I really do enjoy them on the weekends and breaks. I guess I'll have to settle for Pepsi. It's not as great, but it's something, it's enough. I love the rush of caffeine. It makes my heart pump faster sometimes and my mind is racing and I have so much energy. I'm going to buy something tomorrow to have for monday, it'll be great. I hope I never get a tolerance for the stuff.

For once in my life I finished a project early. I mean it was actually due the thursday school was cancelled, but I didn't do it all on sunday. I kind of finished it today. I just have to glue everything together. I'm so glad I started working on my homework yesterday because I found out I need colored pencils and glue and we needed ink for our printer and the ink place was closed and its too expensive to get at a store!!!! Yeah it was a lot of let downs so we just had to drag out the old printer and hook it up, I'm so happy it worked though, otherwise I would have been screwed. It feels like a big load off my chest though because I have been dreading doing it since I know I always procrastinate on projects. Go me.
I'm feeling better. Earlier this week I was feeling pretty shitty but I think I'm alright now. It was just a temporary feeling.
I think I might actually be starting to be myself again. It's not that I haven't been myself, but for the past couple months, ever since school started I haven't been doing anything that I really enjoy doing, I just sort of stopped. I think at first I was adjusting to high school and the homework and everything but it's been long enough! I've been happy and stuff but I don't know why I stopped everything. I just recently started playing video games again, yay. I've been thinking about finishing the books I'm reading, or watching movies again. I feel motivated. I just hope I follow through. When I do the stuff I love it brings me at peace because I don't have to think about shit. I have so many books I haven't read, so many movies on my list, so many games I haven't finished, it makes me sad. But that just means I have that much more fun to go through haha.
Tomorrow will be the last day until spring break. I hate to admit this, but I'm kind of excited for school. I miss my amigos. I guess I never had anyone to miss before, but it still feels completely unnatural to feel excited to go back to school haha.
I hope everyone has a great last couple days of winter break!!

I hope I'm not getting too attatched.

The past couple of days I've been feeling oddly depressed. My mind is very messy and I think I've been thinking too much. Whenever I think too much I have a tendancy to become depressed. I have been obsessed with Tegan and Sara for a couple months and it just started to die down so now that my mind isn't totally occupied with something I've had time to think. I wish I could get obsessed with something again. I want someone to vent to me. Maybe not just someone, but a friend. I want to feel useful and I want my mind to think about anything other than my own problems. Probably I've never wanted to hear someone vent before, it just usually happens. In fact I often complain about it, but right now it probably would help me a lot. I don't know why.
Tomorrow was supposed to be a party my friend was going to have. I was looking forward to it this weekend because my friends were going to be there and I would be around people. I was stuck in my head all weekend and afraid I would get too depressed. She told me today she can't have it tomorrow because her mom changed her mind. I think I have to wait until Friday. I guess because tomorrow is New Years Eve I will be okay because I'll be with my cousin and he usually makes me feel pretty happy cause he's so energetic and we can both just go crazy.
I really don't want to start the New Year by trying to mend myself back together because I've felt shitty for a couple days out of like a month of feeling so great and wonderful and being so content. It sucks. But it'll blow over, I hope. I guess I'll just try to keep myself busy. Sometimes that works.

Today I went for a walk outside. It was pretty cold, but it was nice. It was beautiful out. The air was crisp, the sky was clear. I bought a mocha at the starbucks inside safeway and then I walked around to the bus stop and sat on the bench to drink it. It was overall very peaceful. I think I will start walking again. I use to walk everyday and I think it always clears my mind and I haven't walked in over a month. My mind is getting very messy and I always feel like all the clutter goes away while I walk. It's something about getting out of the house and not being stuck inside with the same routines everyday and hiding away in my room.

I've never been one to believe in fate or destiny. I do believe some people have paths that are bound to cross with another, but I don't think I believe in soul mates or anything. All my life I've always been a loner, but it's not the bad kind, it's not like I can't make friends. I have plenty of friends and have always had a good amount of friends. But it's something else. I'm extremely independent and a lot of the time I'm not hanging out with my friends or anything. I have a good group of friends and we have parties occasionally, but I'm not the average teenager who spends every weekend out and the weekdays trying to get away from home. I thrive in solitude. It's probably where the best of me comes out because I'm content and I'm happy and no one is bothering me. It's peaceful.
When I hang out with my friend we usually have a good time. We enjoy each others company and stuff but the next day I can't wait to get home or to be alone. It's always been like that. It doesn't make much sense to me when you haven't seen someone for a couple months and you finally hang out, that after only a day you want them to get out of your face. I was thinking about this and it led me to believe that maybe I was never meant to have good relationships. Maybe I'm just one of those people who will always be lost in their own mind and distant from everyone. The friends I have are great, I'm fairly close, but there's still this barrier, this wall that is there. Sometimes I think maybe I'm afraid to let anyone get too close to me because I'm afraid to get hurt. Or maybe I'm just not interested enough in my friends to actually get to know them. I think in my head I believe my friends aren't interested enough in ME to get to want to know me. I don't know what it is, I just know that my feelings and my relationships with people are so different than that of normal people. But don't get me wrong, I don't compare myself to "normal" people for everything, it just puzzles me why my feelings towards people relationships seem so different. I think I'm broken. Something inside me doesn't work right. I was never meant to have anyone. When I think about it it doesn't make me as sad as it should. Like I said, I'm happy being alone. But sometimes, sometimes it would be nice to have healthy relationships with people. I don't know. I've definitely thought this could be a teenager thing, a phase, but I'm pretty sure it's not. I can feel it. I know this will last my entire life. I've known this since a young age, I think. I've always known. I've accepted it as well, afterall it's not all that bad.
I just wonder if I'll ever be able to get close to someone. It would be nice to love.

Western Washington is getting nailed with snow. This weekend is supposed to get 6-24 INCHES! That is the most in forever. We already have 7 inches and today and yesterday were cancelled for school. What a nice way to start winter break! I had tons of projects to turn and and tests and I was planning on staying home, but I'm so happy it was cancelled!
Tomorrow I get a cell phone, yay! I had one a couple years ago but it got lost and finally I can be in the loop. All my friends have phones and text each other and it sucks, but not anymore, woot!
Tomorrow if the storm hasn't hit we are going to go out and get our new phones, I'm hoping we can still get them.

I can't wait for the snow! This time I will go sledding since today I couldn't go because no one could take us :/
The power will be out tomorrow most likely at night time. It's going to be fun. I just want a phone so I can text my new friend when the power is out.

I now own all the Tegan and Sara cds. This makes me so happy =D
I love capos.

I just finished reading all my old journals. MAN I was depressed. What a sad little emo kid! It's fun to remember those kinds of thngs.

Have you ever seen someone that you thought looked like someone else and then you find out their name and it's the same name??
That has happened to me a lot and some people might be like uuuhh wtf are you talking about, but it happens all the time!
A while ago at the beginning of the school year I posted a journal saying there's this guy who I thought looked like kate moennig and i was like woah he's attractive and I just found his myspace aaaaaaaaand
his name is
SHANE
and I had to double check and I'm really in awe because so many coincidences happen to me all the time. You might just be like "uuuh you're dumb because I mean tons of people have the name shane and look like kate moennig who plays shane in the l word" but no, it's different! UGH idk I'm slightly freaked out by that, it's so weird when stuff like this happens. Anyway, I should get to bed!

I'm ridiculously obsessed with tegan and sara. They're playing in Vacouver (canada) in February and I wish I could go. It's like 100 miles from Seattle, near where I live. Tickets are only $33 but I don't have a passport PLUS I would have to go withmy dad and that would be LAME LAME LAME!
I hope they come to the US relatively soon while I'm still this crazy about em.

DAMN!

Finals have arrived and there are endless amounts of homework and exams to be studied for!
Everyone (my friends) have decided to go see Twilight saturday evening after my party and stuff. Only 2 of the 4 people I invited can come D: It's ok though because one of them is coming to party part (we're going to seattle during the day) before the movie. And then people who I didn't invite, everyone else that aren't as close as those 4, are going to the movie. I have to go buy the tickets for the movie now because I'm afraid they might get sold out :S

I finally got a paramore poster. <3 hayley

My crush is becoming not my crush so much anymore. I see this as a good thing. I still think shes marvelous.

YAY TODAY IM 16!!!!!
I didn't even remember when I woke up. I just woke up like any other sunday and migrated to the kitchen and when my aunt called she reminded me. Wow. I don't think that's ever happened to me before because usually I'm really excited the day before and remember. But anyway, I'm happy. My dad and grandma went to the store before I woke up but I'm wondering if they even remember it's my birthday O_o
I have some birthday money waiting to be spent already.

I have successfully moved into my brother's old room. It's fantastic! I have everything set up great and for once I have a real bed. I haven't had a real bed for like 7 years cause I had a loft and before that I had a bunk bed and now I get a real bed and I can watch tv or play games or watch movies from it and it's like a couch but 10 times better, YES! My dad says the chi in my room is very good haha. I have to agree with him because I just have this euphoric feeling when I'm in here, it's quite amazing.

My digital camera was lost for a year. It costed $700 and we just got it back today because apparently my brothers friend had borrowed it (my brother had forgotten) and then his friend forgot about it and it has been sitting in his car all this time! It works fine and pretty much I never expected to see it again but I have it now and I'm so happy cause I haven't taken any pictures in forever (I <3 photography).

I figured out what I'm going to do for my birthday finally. Me and four of my friends (plus my parents) are going to go to gameworks again this year and then come back to my house and chill for a while. It sounds simple and basic but really it's pretty much how I want it. The big 16. I'm not that excited as of right now, age never mattered to me that much. It's kind of weird to think that's how old I'll be though. Time really does fly. I have no regrets.

I can't help but feel really happy and excited for the present, and for the future because a month ago I felt completely utterly depressed and crazy and just all wrong. I knew eventually things would get better, but I didn't think it would happen this quick and this great. Everything is temporary but when I think about tomorrow or next week I know everything is going to be ok and that I'll come out of everything fine.
This is fantastic :D

I <3 the mortal kombt song, haha
So I guess everyone is all 'yaaaaaaaay' for obama, and I'm like hey cool but not overly excited cause I'm not political anyway =D

Pretty much everything has been going pretty good and I found out today my mom doesn't need to have surgery immediately which is good because she says I can move into my brother's old room (he finally moved out, whooo) and I'm stoked.

I'm also happy cause my birthday is coming up! (16 =]) Usually I don't get hella excited until the day before cause I don't count down or anything, but I'm getting excited cause I have to make plans and I don't know what to do and it's in a couple weeks, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! but today my dad told me I can go to gameworks again in seattle and invite FOUR FRIENDS WHOOO last year it was 3 and I'm glad he said 4 cause I have 4 in mind already and I hate narrowing down =O
I'm not entirely sure I want to go to gameworks again cause I wanted to have a regular party and invite all my other friends cause there's a bunch but I don't know what we would do considering my house is pretty small. I had the idea of putting the tv in my old bros room and the stereo and we could just chill in there and stuff and play guitar hero, music, etc.
I guess I hate hosting parties cause I'm always afraid everyone will get bored and have nothing to do but when I go to other people's houses I'm completely comfortable cause we just chill.
I'm still unsure what I should do!
but I always figure things out, so it'll be okay

Halloween was awesoooooooooooooooooome! Maybe not that awesome, but I got complements for my face makeup and got TONS of candy. My bag was really heavy, at least it seemed that way. I went trick or treating with my friend B and my little cousin. It was kind of weird cause I usually hang out in a group with all my friends like B and his girlfriend (my other good friend) and some other people but we hung out at my house for about an hour and it was cool. I usually don't do the whole one on one chill time cause I always think it'll be akward, but it wasn't, yay! But no one else could come which is why it was only us.

The past two weeks I've been feeling pretty good, like happy/energetic and stuff. I haven't made any new friends at school but last week I was feeling really good and I started to talk to people finally and I was glad. Today I felt pretty shitty and tired cause last night all I did was toss and turn and don't think I slept for more than an hour at a time without waking up :/ , those have to be the worst nights ever!
I still haven't talked to my crush in person yet. I saw her at school a couple times today. She looked really good, sigh. I hate myself.

I finished all my homework for once and it's not past midnight, that's always a plus. Usually it will take me all day to do my homework cause I will be side tracked but today I wasn't. I hope tomorrow I'm feeling better.
I decided I should stop cutting myself for a while. I hate wearing long sleeves and hoodies all the time, it's annoying. I usually never cut my forearms because of that reason. Plus I haven't done it in a couple weeks and I've been feeling great. But anyway, I'll probably stop for a little while, hopefully, it just matters if I want to.

FUCK
i hate fucking stupid crushes
you love the feeling, you love it you love it but you hate it because it makes you feel crazy it makes you feel crazy it makes you feel like tearing your heart out and you can do nothing about it
its fine when your just like oh hey theres that cute girl but when it effects your mood and your sleep habits and your eating habits and concentration and everything else its enough
but you cant do anything
FUCK FUCK FUCK!

that is all.