No, like seriously, like I haven't gone to school at all this week. I'm on steroids, cough medicine, and albuterol. Woot. I'm having so much not fun. I'm watching TV, while my GPA goes down the drain. I can't do anything. Like, it hurts to breathe, so I pretty much just sit here all day, feeling sorry for myself. I'm watching Veronica Mars. I love that show. I'm watching the episode with all the queer kids. Its really cool. Actually, its funny, the site that they made up for the show sounds alot like oasis. Its funny. Thats what made me want to log on. I'm not actually used to logging on anymore. You know, out of practice or something. Anyway, I feel like crap, so I'm going to go try to sleep it off. Bye, hope life doesn't suck for all of you guys.

To many tabs open all at once!!!! I have four. I'm not kidding. Two for the same website, one for oasis, and then one for a story I'm reading. Its crazy. Anyway, I have a cold. Like for reals, it sucks. I've been sick twice during my winter break. How unfair is that? No, like for real, during the first couple days of winter break I had that awfull stomach bug, and now I have a horrible cold. I hate my immune system. Unless I miss the first day of school, in which case I love my immune system. Especially if I happen to have procrastinated on my essay. I don't fake sick, but, if I am sick, and the opportunity arises, it really would be better for me to take it easy today, wouldn't it? No, I'm just kidding, although I wouldn't mind one more day of break, no, its just I don't want to do my type up my essay when I feel this way.

((Ok, so its another almost peom thingy.))

Tell me why
Why should I care that you're fucking her?
You and I were never a thing
We were never more than what we were.

But we weren't always like this
Because we weren't always just ripping at eachother's belts
Because you used to kiss me gently under the mistletoe
Because you used to care about me

And now we just call at three am
And youalways ask me to for just one thing
To take the pain away
And I always give it to you, always

So I sit here and brood
I sit here and wish you were dead
I sit here and wish we had never met
I sit here and want you to hold me

But I don't want you to
Because you hurt me
Because I hurt
And you don't care

So you sit there and laugh
You sit there and say you love her
But you don't
You can't

Because you don't love.
You hurt
And you hurt me
And I want to hate you for it

But I don't
Because I can't
Even though it hurts
And I don't love you

So sit there and fuck her
Fuck her hard
Make her love you
And then destroy her heart
Just like you did mine.

Ok, what really pisses me off is that I have the perfect title for this entry. But it was already used by someone else. Thanks The_Loser. Lol, its cool, you had it first. Anyway. The title I would have used is 'Its Just a Phase' because I'm pissed at my dad.

Ok, that totally doesn't make sense yet, but it will. So I came out to my dad about a year ago. Not quiet, it'll be a year in May. Hes okay with it I guess, but he doesn't beleive me. Like, he doesn't think I can know yet. He talks about how Sally and Chris (lesbian friends we spend thanksgiving with every year, theres a whole group that goes, we practically grew up together, the kids that is) joke about being the only lesbians left. I'm like what the fuck? How can you say that to me? Like, even if it was true, and I 'grow out of it' or whatever he thinks I'll do, how can he say that to me? I went through alot to deal with my sexuality, and for him to undermine it like that is really hard for me.

I feel like I'm still closeted. Like I'm drowning in the lies that i thought I was free of. Its like I'm trapped, and I already took the only way I can see out. And that door closed behind me. I took myself out of the closet, only to find myself trapped in a cage without any means of escape. How can you come out if you've already done that? I feel like I'm not out to my dad. And thats killing me inside, but what can I do about it? Nothing! I already came out to my dad. I fail to see how I can free myself from this new cage I've found myself in. I've stepped out of the darkness, thinking I would step into light, and found instead that I'm in shadows. How can I live like this? When I was closeted, I knew I had a way out. I could clearly see that path. But now there is no path. Now escape for me. How can you leave when you've already left? And yet, you still seem to be in the exact same place.

In other news, I saw an article in my local newspaper about a study that shows that familys who react badly to their youth coming out increase the risk of suicide in that teen. Oh, and drug use and some other bad shit. I was like: Duh. If you're family doesn't except you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you aren't going to be the happiest teen. Like, really? It took them a study to figure that out? No, I know they needed to have a study so we can have facts to back up our argument, but reall, its like a no brainer. Of course if your parents and siblings are unsupportive you're going to be prone to drug use, deppression and attemted suicide. It doesn't mean that all queer youth whose familys aren't supportive are going to do any of that stuff, it just means that those youth are more likely. But we knew that already. Ok, so I'm done. I just wanted to tell you guys about that. Oh, and I needed to write about the whole 'Its just a phase' thing. Okay, bye. Love you all.

So I'm at the start of a oasis frenzy. Its been so long since I've been able to post that now I'm posting like crazy. So about a week and a half ago I got really sick. I mean puke your guts out, horribly sick. My two year old sister got it, and gave it to Sheri (step mother) and my brother either got it from her or from school, an then he gave it to me. Its just my luck that I got it much worse than anyone else. And now I have this annoying cold, which I got from either Sheri or Michaela (two year old sister). Michaela gave it to Sheri, but for awhile they both had it. The stomach flu was worse.

So thanks to whateversexual_llama, now I'm crazy excited about Dollhouse. Does anyone know when it starts? Anyway, I love Joss Whedon. He has brought us so much great things. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, FireFly, Angel, and he wanted to give Eliza Dushku her own spin off series, but she didn't want to do it. And I'm also no longer pissed at him for Kenady. See, I found out he actually wanted to make Tera come back, but the girl who played her wasn't available. Plus the episode 'The Killer in Me' is really cool. So yeah, I have to eat now. Bye. I love you all.

Me.

My laptop isn't actually fixed yet. But my mom's is back, and since she broke mine, she is letting me use hers. Its shocking how much hasn't happened since I last posted. So C and I are, well I don't really know. Well, I don't really care anymore. We're sort of friends again. I don't know.

I got back from winter camp. My god, it was so amazing. It was at this increadably beautiful place. It was right by the ocean, we were on a hill and on some days it was really foggy at sea level, so we would be above the clouds. It was absolutley increadable. The people there are even more amazing than the view. Its a place were when you meet someone, you hug them. Handshakes are just after thoughts if they even happen. By the end of the camp you honestly love everyone there. This is the first winter camp I've gone to. (I'm mean through this organization) I'm going to go to summer camp this year as well, and I go to Asilomar (another retreat that takes place there) every year. It'll be my fifth year going when I go this year. Its amazing.

I can't even begin to describe what its like to be surounded by all of these amazing, loving, open people. Its amazing to feel that much love from people you've just met. I'm not exagerating, you immediately care about these people, and they care about you. Its sort of hard to be home, but I'm also really glad to be home. I missed being home, not from camp, but I was in LA before camp. But I'm home now, oh, and I'm sick. I have a really bad cough and sore throat. I'm going to go rest now.

So this is the longest I haven't been on oasis, and not been out of town since I joined. Its just my luck that my mom would break my computer right when everyhting starts to happen. She didn't mean to, I find I have to put that because my friend thought my mom had like perposfully killed my computr to spite me. No, she tripped over the cord, and now it can't charge. So as quick as can be, we rushed it to the computer repair place/shop/thing. They'll have it for like the next at least week. I'm going through withdrawal.

So yeah, as previesly mentioned everything is happening now. So I went to YES with C yesterday. So I was worried it would be ackward, and I hadn't really thought about what I was going to do about the whole 'we kissed' thing. Well, see C had worked that whole thing out. And she found the absolute best way to let me know. So after the workshops and stuff, there is a dance. Its fun, well, that is unless you don't really like dances, and the person you're there with stats making out with some random other girl. Yep. Thats even more fun when she kissed you two nights before.

Yeah, didn't she just come up with the best way to tell me? I mean seriously. I don't know why I even care so much. I was fucking over her. No, like seriously, thats why this whole thing confused me so much. I was done. I didn't care anymore. Like, we were friends, and that was great, but I didn't want anything more. It was her acting like she liked me that confused me so much. What really pisses me off is this: When I was dating E, I waited an extra month to break up with her because I didn't want to do it via e-mail or text. Hell, I didn't even want to do it over the phone. So I waited. Why? Because I care about her enough to not want to be a horrible person.

I guess what makes me mad is that I excpected something different. This is C. Shes all about the heartless controlling bitchiness. I just thought maybe she was different. She knew she was a jerk to E when they were dating, and she felt bad about it. That sort of made me think maybe she is capable of human emotions. But no. I meaan, we weren't dating. Hell, I don't know what the fuck we were doing. But I thought she would at least have the decency to keep it in her pants until we figured it out. (Metaphorically, they just made out, or at least to the best of my knowledge. Okay, thats mean, I'm pretty sure they didn't do anything else. But still.) So instead of hanging out with C at the dance, hell maybe even dancing, I hung out with one of my friends older brothers. Fun. Actually, he is pretty cool, but still, not exactly how I thought my evening would go. Not to mention the drive home. Two hours, absolutely no communication between us. I eventually got the nerve to put my iPod headphones on.

I don't knwo, my heads not a very good place to be right now. I don't know. I wish I still had WoW. But I don't. And I'd have it on my laptop anyway, and since I don't have my laptop I couldn't play it anyway.

I don't even have a claim to her, ya know? Like we weren't dating, so like what? My almost girlfriend cheated on me? C is just the kind of girl who likes conquests I guess. I mean, its not like it doesn't figure. I just don't know. I guess I expected not to be blown off so completely. I mean, who kisses someone, then ignores them two days later at a GSA event, and makes out with someone else? We aren't even going to talk about it. Like, ever. I mean, we don't go to the same school, so I'm just not going to see her. I don't know if thats a good thing or not. God, this is the worst time not to have a laptop.

So yeah, C came to my school after school today. Like, shit? Well, it was totally ok, but then she walked me back to my house because we wanted to ahng out more, and we knda sorta kissed. Okay, we got pretty fucking close to making out. I haven't decided about this yet! I don't know what the hell is going on! So like, we aren't dating. At least I don't think so, but I don't really know. But at least I know I wasn't just imagining that she wanted to kiss me. I just don't know. I need to think. And its just going to be me and C on Saturday. So her dad will drive us up to the GSA event, then we'll take the train back. Together. Alone. So I have no idea what to do. God, I need my life to pause for a sec, or maybe like, forever? Or at least until I figure this out. Like 1) Do I like her? 2) Do I want to date her? 3) Do I want to kiss her again? 4) Is it weird to almost make out with your ex's ex? 5) Could my life get any more confusing? Because trust me, theres more. Alot more.

SO like, C walked me home, and the whole time we're acting really couply, because shs really cold, and I'm wearing a sweat shirt. So, like we have our arms together, and we're sort of nuzzling each others heads, but not reall, it was weird. Anyway, so like, we're almost at my house, and my brother pulls up, so we're stalling, hoping he would leave, and we kinda started to kiss. I have to go to dinner, so yeah, bye.

So I wrote out this whole long thing, and some how my computer lost all of it. All of it!! So I'm to tired to re-write it all. I'll probably get back to it some other time. It was mainly about C, and A, and E, and H, okay, so all us girls who like girls at my school. And how intertwined we all are in each others love lives. I swear, through the people who have dated/ liked each other, I am connected to all the other girls in my group.

Really the thing I have to decide is whether I should tell A about my almost kiss with C. On the one hand, I really want to tell her, she'd get how I was feeling about C. On the other hand, she may like me, and I'm not sure if I like her or not. She might also like C, which would be weird. A is dating some guy right now. I don't think she should be dating right now anyway. I mean shes fucking questioning. Its ounds mean, but I don't thimk questioning people should date while they're questioning. I mean, if you don't know what type of people you like. Thats part of how I know I don't want to date A, at least not until shes figured that out. I don't think I could deal if I started to really like her, and she figured out she was straight.

Well, I'm going to not write anymore. I'm tired, and I haven't done my homework for math. Shit. I'm tired. Maybe I'll see if I can skip first period. I'll beg and plead, and try to convince my mom. I really hope it will work, because I need the rest. God i hope I can talmk my mom into it.

So I'm back at school now, and I finally got to see my friends again. Lunch just isn't long enough. I haven't gotten to see them since last friday. So I was really excited to see them. And I loved talking to them, but it just didn't last very long. I had my voice lesson, so I couldn't stay after school and hangout with them at the bike racks like I normally do. I really wish I had been able to. I just feel like I have all this tension built up from not being able to see them. I was looking forward to seeing them all break, and then I didn't get to. Like, I was counting so much on seeing them, and really being able to see them, that when I didn't it really has effected me.

I don't know. I just feel empty, you know, like theres this itch I can't scratch. I hope I'll be able to stay after school to talk to them. So I want to go to one of my friends houses for the first time, but I don't want to seem I don't know, like I'm inviting myself? I don't want to invite them to my house, mainly because it embarasses me. I know, that sounds horrible, but it really does. I love my family, really I do, but I don't know. I live in this town where everyone lives in really freaking big houses, and even though I know my friends don't theres still this weird feeling. My house is really small, and its always messy, and my brother is a huge dick. So now, I'm not sure, I really want to go hang out with them alot more. Like, I want to see them outside of school. But I have no clue how to go about it. I can't invite myself to one of their houses.

So, nothing new on my 'almost' thing with C. I emailed her a bit ago, I don't know, I really need to talk to her, but I'm not sure what I'm going to say. God, what do I do? i don't know if I want to hav a relationship with her or not. Shes really cool, but I thought I was over her. I was so into her last year. I was this timid, closeted dyke who was completely and utterly teriffied of the idea of coming out. But at the same time, totally wanted to, and she was this amazing, out, confident, strong girl who was everything I wanted to be. And I was completely in love with her. Well, okay, i totally wasn't in love with her. but I thought I was. I was infatuated. Completely and utterly. I thought I loved her, but I didn't I know we wouldn't have made a good couple at the time.

I don't know, so maybe, I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Of course, the whole, 'dating the ex of an ex' thing. When I was dating E (my ex girlfriend), we talked about when she dated C. Not in a mean way or anything, just like a sharing stories type of thing. And so I got to hear about kinda what it was like to date C. I don't know, it sounded pretty bad, but you can never really know with things like that. I don't know. Should I date her? Should I get to know her again? Should I not even consider it because of our history, I mean, I decided along time ago that it was a really bad idea for us to date. I don't know, maybe its a really stupid idea. I don't even know if I should have kissed her. That would make me feel all these emotions anyway, but I would still know if she felt the same way or not. Its the not knowing thats killing me. Ugh! I thought I already had this drama! Its like watching re-runs of my life. Same thing, only slightly different. I don't know if she likes me, but I know that if I wanted to, I could ask her out. I don't know, I have alot more confidence than I did before. So I don't know, god, I need to think about this.

So I'm back. I feel like I've been living someone else's life. How weird is that? Anyway, school starts back up tomorrow. I'll get to see my friends!! YAY!!! ANyway, so i saw one of my friends who I haven't seen in like forever. Her name is C and we almost kinda sorta dated. I was like infatuated with her last year, and then realized that we had an abusive relationship with out dating. Well, okay thats totally no the ruight term, but its as clos as i can get. We had a complicated relationship. Shes a bit contolling, but when we were hanging out alot it was mainly that I allowed her to embody my own control issues because she has similar ones. Anyway, I think we almost kissed. We were goofing around, wrestling over these dorky magnet thingies, and 'Under My Spell' was playing in the backround. Yes, I know, its to dorky for words. What can i say, we both love Buffy.

Anyway, so I'm sort of lying on top of her, sort of pinning her down, but not really, she could easily have , well I don't know, but it wasn't unconfortable until we stopped moing around, sort of like a stand still where neither of us wanted to risk losing any ground we had made in our quest for the magnets. So we were just sort of there, looking at each other, and I swear we almost kissed. I don't like her anymore. I don't think so at least. It was always more like idol worship anyway. But this was different. I don't know, shes really cool, and we always have fun. We were really close before I stopped seing her so i could deal with my issues. I don't know, we're going to go to YES together, and end up staying in a hotel room together, (her dad will be there as well) the main thing is that I don't understnad what I'm feeling. We are going to spend a lot of time with each other this weekend, and I'm not sure where I stand with her anymore. I don't want a relationship with her. I don't. But I did want to kiss her, or at least wealmost kissed and i thought it wasn't just me. But I could just be imagining things. God, this is to confusing. ACK!!!

I'm going out of town! Yeah! I think. Anyway, I'm kinda happy I'm leaving, but it'll be the rest of my break, and I won't be able to get on here for ay of it. Which makes me sad. Uh oh, I think I may be addicted to oasis. Eeep. I don't think I've gone a day without checking it, and probably posting in a while. Well, other than when I have to. But now, I think I'll be going into withdrawal. Eep!! If it gets to bad, maybe I'll be able to . . . Oh shit!! Its 8:42!!!! SHIT!!! I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW!! Shit, stupid oasis (Not really) making yime go to fast and distracting me!! I have to pack, and get ready to go!! Shit, well, bye.

I hate myself. I am a fucking bitch. i deserve to be shot. SO you know how I found out that one of my friends has started cutting, well now I just found out that my ex-girlfriend was belimic for a bit. She probably still would be, if it weren't for one of our friends, she probably would still be. You want to know the worst part? I didn't know! I was so stupid, we were fucking dating for part of it!! I was supposed to know!! I was supposed to be there for her!! I'm a bitch! I knew she had weight self-esteem issues. I knew it!! But I didn't do anything about it! She was really skinny as it was, not to skinny, just not fat at all. SHe always said she was fat, and I'd shrug it off, and tell her she wasn't. But I knew!! I'm so stupid! She had just started doing it when we weren't able to see each other for a while, and then we broke up after that, but I still care about her. Not romantically, but as a friend I still want her to be okay.

I feel so stupid. I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I couldn't see what was going on right in front of me. I hate it. HATE IT!! How did this happen? How? I thought, I on't know what i thought, but I didn't think this. You know what the icing on the cake is? I didn't even have shit to deal with back then. Not really, or if I did I wasn't dealing with it. I don't know, at least now I know that one of my friends is cutting. I still have no clue what I'm going to do about it, but still. its a start, right? Aw hell. I'm a horrible person. i hatre myself for letting this stuff happen to the people i care about. What is wrong with me? i thought I would be able to do something, or at least know when one of my close friends were in trouble. The same thoughbt keeps running through my head, thats its my fault. That she wouldn't have started if it weren't for me. I don't know, maybe thats self centered, but I went through a tough time when we didn't see each other, and then, I don't know, I just should have known. I should have seen it. Or maybe I did. I don't know. God, I need to sleep, and hope like hell this will make sense in the morning.

I can't cry. I can't. Theres just so much right now. I feel this emptyness inside. I feel it, but I'm not sure if it hurts. It kind of just is. Does that make sense? My friends won't call me. I've tried to call one of my friends everyday this week. She hasn't called me back. I could call Amy, but I know she either wouldn't pick up or would be to busy to se me. I could call Hannah, but then I'd have to figure out what to do. Other wise we'd just sort of sit there ackwardly. I could try to get together with someone, but I don't really have time. I have to go get poked in the arm with a needle in a bit. Did I mention I have a phobia of needles? No, well I do. And I have asthma. So I HAVE to have a flu shot, and CAN'T have the mist version of it. Not to mention how many times I've been poked with very sharp needles over my lifetime? So now I'm sitting here, bored and restless, and depressed.

And I still feel numb. Maybe that means I won't freak out. I'll be quietly resigned to my fate. I can't decide if thats a good thing or not. Hell, I don't even care. I've spaced out so many times today. Just stop, stare off into the distance. I've been wallowing all day. I need someone to kick my ass into gear. Yell at me, and drag me off into the light of day. but my mother is to busy kicking my brother's ass to get him to do college apps. So I sit in my chair, in the middle oif everything, and yet a thousand miles away. Wondering what I can do to get myself out of this rut in the road.

I am sick and tired of straight sites!!! SICK AND TIRED!!!! What the hell?? So I was writting a story on another site, its about two girls falling in love. Well duh, LESBIAN. I'm not exactly going to write a heart warming story about straight love and how much better it is. I write what i want to write, what appeals to me. I'm queer, I wanted to write something that applies to me. I'm not straight, I don't want to write about a straight person. (Well, at least not this time.)

So one of the stupid jerks (Yes, I am trying not to swear as much) who makes sure no one does something they shouldn't on the site, tells me I should put up a warning because my story might offend someone. WTF?!! So I do, no one had read it since. So yeah, I"m mad. Pissed actually. Why must people perpetually be close minded bitches? So much for not swearing as much. Well fuck that!!!