I have this friend (shes an adult, im 16)
Her and I do alot of theatre together and are quite close, always orginising shows together and chatting, etc.
She asked me if i had a boyfriend the other day and i told her i did not.
I want to come out to her, she's like a second mum to me, we share everything. I dont know why, but im scared to come out to her,

I feel i should.

Do you rekon i should, if so how should i do it?

I just finished 'Keeping you a secret' by Julie Anne Peters and i must say, ive spent months and months wanting to read it and it actually wasnt as good as i expected, i mean i enjoyed reading it, i guess it just wasnt what i imagined.
If anything, it made me a feel a little better about my sexuality.
Today im smiling more than i was yesterday,
I can only hope tomorrow is the same.

Ive been so scared to fall for S, ive been so scared that i will get hurt, but now i have decided that what if it ends up to be an amazing relationship? She really likes me, what am i so scared of? maybe i should just take each day as it comes, she may end up part of my day to day life, who knows. I could love her. I just have to let myself.

My mother and father and i went to a music/dvd/technolofy shop today and i found the L word and i wanted to buy it so bad, but i didnt want to buy it infront of them, so i didnt even look at it, i just kept walking, im thinking of going back next week and buying it.
Iknow, For someone who is OUT, i act pretty IN...
Like seriously, i never talk about girls or anything infront of my parents, i do with my friends, when no one else can hear.
Im out, most people know, why am i so scared to act out? Why do i always act like im straight. when im not?

Im finding it hard to be OUT, even though i am.

GAH I just wrote so much and then the stupid page, refreshed itself...
bye bye writting,
i guess i'll start again.

Im having the biggest writers block right now, im not even kidding, usually i have a million words to write about anything, but right now, its nothing. Just Blank.
Blank.
Blank.
Come back words?
Please?

So i hope evryone had a good new years, mine was good i spose, got too drunk, too quick, had an emotional breakdown and cried for a while. But i had fun anyway, with my friends.
I have a few new years resolutions, but we all know that i wont keep them... considering i NEVER do. My main one this year is to learn to love myself.
right now, im failing.
Its quite hard to love something you hate.

I have a tooth ache and it hurts really bad, a little like my broken heart?
Wow. Who would have thought.

I was doing some research on prop 8. Because i live here in Australia, i really didnt know ANYTHING about it. Reading it made me sad, i would have voted NO. But America is still a foot foreward than Australia, here, well no one even utters the words 'Gay Marriage'. I think America wont be too far off legalising it. Australia on the other hand... Fails.

Chizzle is trying to be a dinasour on MSN and chase me....
hehe, at least she puts a smile on face when she does crazy stuff....

Watching Wicked on youtube....
Im fully in love with IDINA MENZEl... Her voice is so beautiful. I loved her in RENT too. Theatre is fully the reason i was put on this earth, one day youll all see my name on broadway, in the papers, on the tv. Ill be there, Changing the world, One theatre show at a time.
Just you wait to see.

When i start school this year, i will be in year 12. So excited, final year of school, then university, then im getting on a plane and moving to London. Im so psyched. Yet scared.

Everyone here should add me on MYSPACE:: www.myspace.com/broken_butterfly23

My Quote Of The Day: "Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways." - William Shakespeare

Ive never felt this way and suddenly i do.
All of a sudden being gay, is the worst thing
i cant help but hate myself :(

everytime someone says something homophobic i cringe and get upset, because they're hating on something i am.
Suddenly im scared to fall for a girl.

I wish things were different.
i really do.
How do you people accept yourselves...

Its been a few days since my last post.
I hop everyone had a very merry christmas.
Mine was okay, woke up and did the present thing and then went to my grandma's for lunch and then i had to work.
It didnt even feel like christmas, i guess its just because ive grown up and its not as exciting any more.

im thinking of changing my appearance and my attitude and stuff. Im feeling like im at that stage between in and out... half out... but not all the way yet. I think before i can be all the way out, i need to change some things about me, so im more confident and such,
because right now, i have like no confidence.

Currently reading: Twilight
Currently loving: Kim Stolz
Currently missing: Dance Classes
Currently dreading: my future.

Latly ive been, well, depressed.
Nothing has made me smile, truly smile. Its always fake.
Ive never been the sad one,
ive always been the happy one.

My friend said ive lost the sparkle in my eyes. She says i seem empty.

Im ove feeling this way but i cant help it, i just think of all the bad at the moment.

And its tearing me apart so bad...

No, being serious.
There is this guy that i work with and everyone thinks he is gay, he just wont say it,
when im around him my gaydar fully goes off.
I dont know how trust my gaydar is...
but he knows i am gay and he asks me alot of questions about being gay and coming out and such.
And there are many other things that make everyone question him.
But i think one of the biggest give aways is how he talks about and asks about guys (he never mentions girls)....

Sometimes i feel he wants to mention it to me, like when we're talking. He seems lost, i want to bring it up to hime, but i dont want to offend him...
any ideas on how to bring the topic up with him?

Feeling really upset right now.
I feel as though everything around me is falling down and there is nothing i can do to fix it.
Its like my best friends are slipping away from me and they're not even trying to stay in my life.

I feel empty.
I feel like i dont mean anything to anyone.
I want to cry so bad right now.

My closest friend, is always too busy for me, she has changed so much- i dont know who she is anymore.
Some of my other friends are just falling away and i cant catch them.

Everything seems to be going wrong in my life right now.
I know that sounds pathetic.
But its true.

I dont fit in with my friends, i feel so out of place, well im not the odd one out, i fit the group fine, but i just feel like that outcast. All they talk about is BOYS and then they make lesbian jokes about me, which i dont mind but sometimes i wonder if thats all they think about when they look at me.

I hate this.

So i got my school report in the mail today. I did pretty good, mostly B's. Mum was happy, but on Moden History homework i got a 'sometimes completed'. Mum like went crazy. Because im letting my school work slip and all this crap. I do alot of after school activities (dance, theatre, etc) and mum was like 'If you dont improve your not doing shows next year'

She like threatened to stop me doing theatre shows. GAH she angers me so bad. Im not even failing school, im doing fine, yes i admit that i am very busy after school with other things, but i manage just fine,

And to be honest, the theatre is the place i go to get away from reality.

Now she like is all sorry for getting mad and was saying how she is just worried that ill make myself too busy again.
And all this crap.

If i could, i would spend all day everyday backstage at the theatre, its really the only thing that keeps me happy. Its the one place i feel normal. I guess im not handling things very well at the moment.

I feel like im going backwards, the more i think about it, the more i hate myself.

Hello all and welcome to my daily and boring journal entry :)

Had a pretty boring morening so far, i went for a nice swim in my pool, which was good because it is very hot outside today!

My beautiful kitten turned two yesterday :) I love her.

So ive been thinking and wondering about gay youth groups. I havnt heard of any around my area and i would be very interested in attending one if i could find one... hm... maybe i should google it or something.
I dont even know what they do/ talk about at gay youth groups.
And i doubt many people would go to the meetings if there was one around here....
And i also wonder about GSA. I havent heard of any in any of the schools around here...

Its almost like there isnt any gay people around here. haha.

My mummy and brother are going christmas shopping for me this afternoon :) i hope i get something prettu but i'd be happy with anything aye. Im going shopping thursday night, i really hope that cute gay girl at the coffee cafe is woking, i may need to go get a drink if she is :)
Gah she is so beautiful.

So its been a couple of days since my last post :)
Not much has really happened.

Im excited about christmas this year, which is a change, usually i dont really care. But this year im getting into the spirit :D
My mates and i rented a beach side apartment for new years. Its going to be good, the beach we are on throws the biggest new years party,
im so excited.

So for once in my life i actually DONT like someone and i love it.
BUT at the coffee cafe near home there is the CUTEST gay girl who works there and she was speaking to me today and i like melted. but she has a girlfriend. But i think ill go back there alot more often :)

Im currently reading Rainbow Road by Alex Sanchez, its quite good. I got heaps of LGBT books from the library :)
i spent hours there. I actually had fun. I love the library.
I got a shakespeare book while i was there, i love his writing so much...

"If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
But falls into abatement and low price,
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical" - Shakespeare.

Its so beautiful.

Gah she did it again.
S sent me sexy photo's...

Its bad enough that she thinks i like her and im not so sure how i feel.
But she sent me 3 last night,
they were hot.
But gah they're screwing with my head!

In other news,
I started some christmas shopping today,
found beautiful things.
Now i just have to wait until i get paid on tuesday.
my mum bought my dad a stunning expensive watch.
I love it.

Im feeling a little empty,
A little blank,
A little alone.
I dont know why.

I dont know if i like S or not, i mean, i havent even reallu thought about her. Im guessing that is a bad sign. I thought i liked her, i really did but now im thinking it was just from the excitment of having someone fall for me, since it has been nearly 4 months since my ex moved.

I miss her, my ex. N. She was amazing, we were together for a long time (on and off) But even when we were off, it was like we were on. I never felt that way about anyone, ever. She was my first girlfriend. My first everything (well not my first kiss, but everything else). I thought i would spend a lonnggg time with her. But she moved away, to melbourne. Which is long away from where i live. I miss her so so much and i still love her. We still talk almost everyday and i cant think about being with someone else because it reminds me of her and i get upset because i love her. I actually do and i dont want to be with anyone else. Im scared to move on.
Maybe thats what i am scared of falling for S.

Im in one of those odd moods. Not upset although not happy.
Part of me wants to eat a bowl of chocolate ice-cream but i will just HATE myself if i do and then i really will be upset.

I wish i had a life like those in the movies, with complications but always a happy ending. When love is simple and money isnt really a problem. I wish i had a fairytale life.
I spent most of today wishing i wernt gay, which is odd. Because im pretty comfortable with my sexuality these days.

Hmm, i've rambled.
Sorry.

S (the girl from my past few journals) Asked me out last night!
I was talking to her and she asked me out.
I was shocked. beacuse i really like her an stuff....
Well i thought i did,
She asked me and i was so happy, but now im thinking that maybe it was just sexual tension, not actual strong feelings.
She goes on holidays for 3 weeks today, so i wont see her for 3 weeks. So i told her that we would hang out when she gets back, and see what happens.

I dont know if i like her, and im just scared to move on from my ex.
OR if i dont like her...

So it looks like i still have a big chance with S (read last blog)
She didnt ditch me, well she did, but it was because her sister told her that S was meeting me, so her mum grounded her.

But S told me that she is really really into me.
She goes on holidays on thursday for 3 weeks,
but when she gets back we're going to hang and talk about dating each other:D
HAPPY MUCH!

So i had a long think today, about life, love, loss.
On November 1st, a gril from my school crashed a car outside my school and dies, i went to school with her for 6 years.
It was crazy. Her funeral made me cry so hard.

Its made me think about how short life is.
Made me realise how im not living my life the way i want.
Im too caught up with what other people want out of me, instead of what i want out of me.
I guess i just try to please people too much.

So for me 2009 is all about, well, living my life the way i want to.

Today my thought process was like this: (change MAN to WOMEN)

Jack on Will and Grace::
Jack: Im over men, i like girls now, girls are better than guys... guys are hot... okay im back to guys....