from notalwaysright.com

Customer: “You don’t have any candy apples?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we only make them on Fridays and they usually sell out before the weekend is over.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you get that question a lot?”

Me: “… yes.”

Customer: “I bet you get sick of it, don’t you? I bet you’re thinking, ‘B***, you see candy apples?’”

Me: *laughs*

(Sometimes, the customer is right!)

oh man.....god, i'm tired.

i am strong in spite of it, not because of it. we were not destined for this resigned sigh of defeat to a process that hasn't even begun.we are weak and weary from the world telling us that it's already too much when we can't have enough. we reach for mountains and they try to satisfy us with ant hills crumbled by our shoes. i say fly. i say bloody our fingertips climbing and reaching for what they say we cannot have. i say scream until it echoes throughout these shadowed rooms keeping us from seeing ourselves and one another. i say slam your fist against the wall until they crumble and your body aches and your lungs are ragged and your breath all but stops. they tell us we like it because it lets us know we're not dead. we like it because it's real. we like it because we're feeling something. i say fight. i say use it. i say win against this world that tells us all we're good for is to wither away, screaming into a paper bag and shredding our hopes and dreams like last year's tax returns. we're supposed to struggle through this life until we reach the top because it teaches us patience. we're supposed to accept suffering because it teaches us humility. we're supposed to accept that bad things happen to good people. we resign ourselves to the mediocre in hopes of pretending to be something more.

i say spread your titanium wings icarus, and drink from the sun.

define love. is it the cotton candy, floating on air, warm fuzzy feeling of our childhood and adolescent romances? is it the tear inducing, bear hug throwing, voice-cracking admissions of intense affection for those around us?

love is hard. love is dirty. love is the nitty gritty patience of the mother of a crack addict. love is overwhelming acceptance of the fundamentalist father for his gay child. love is looking at your terminally ill lover and marrying them anyway. love is holding your developmentally disabled child through every bump, every scrape, every taunt. love is stepping back when you know you need to. love is a smile. love is a laugh.

love is....

love is a verb, not a noun. it's not something you carry with you in your pocket as a keepsake, a living breathing thing that waits around for something to happen. it's not a chemical reaction or evolutionary instinct. it's so much more than that. it's complicated. it's messy. it defies all explanations and rules and regulations. poets praise it. musicians sell it in neatly wrapped packages of 3-minute melancholy earworms. everyone on the face of the planet longs for it.

it's beautiful. it's eternal. it's sacrifice. it's selfish. it renders you speechless and makes fools out of everyone. it's hated. it's revered. it paralyzes you.

define love? impossible.

hahaha...lehcure's title is purely coincidental, i swear.

anyway, i'm being the naughty college kid and staying up late, even though i have to get up at 7:45 tomorrow morning so i can go to breakfast with my friends.

feeling much better than i did earlier, had a wonderful conversation with one of my friends about craving cheese and what it really means to be christian.

read 1 Corinthians 1-13, it'll make you happy. it makes me happy.

dammit i'm hungry. i'm like, constantly hungry for some reason. i can eat a full meal and be hungry like a half hour later. jesus, i'm going to completely bankrupt my parents by eating them out of house and home. i wish i were rich just so i could buy food whenever i want.

:/

it's ironic how i used to hate owl city.

anyway, i may not be able to have an adventure in the mountains, but i'll make the best of what i'm given. :)

off to make hot chocolate and find edible things.

sooooo.....

my first day with no caffeine whatsoever.

i have a screaming headache, i'm exhasuted.

my sister's acting like a bitch.

i've just found out that instead of some nice day trip to the mountains with my friends i get to hang out with them while they run errands in town.

i'm going to watch a bit of fry and laurie to try and make myself feel better.

i feel refreshingly homosexual.

i feel liberated. as if when i walk out the door i won't be trapped by everything around. as if i could leave whatever i'm doing right now and i won't face those around me and their curious faces.

but i can't. i'm a legal adult, but i'm not. it's ridiculously childish, this feeling of entrapment. i'm doing more than most of my classmates and yet i feel that i could be doing so much more. i'm eighteen and feel 32. i feel that i should wake up tomorrow in my own apartment with my own job, college far behind.

and yet i know i will long for the days of carefree joy.

urgh.

see this?

i just ate my way through 3/4 of it.

and now i'm just a little bit woozy.

i had a dream that my parents bought me a vibrator for christmas. and i remember thinking, why the hell would they buy me this?

that being said, i really could not give two shits about caylee anthony or john travolta's son. yes it is tragic what happened, but guess what? I DON'T CARE. every single news channel i flip through, they're either debating something about caylee's mother or interviewing her high school sweetheart from way back when or some guy is talking about the disease that travolta's kid had.

but guess what! I DON'T CARE.

in '03 to '04 51% of homicide victims were african americans in the four years or less range.

is that ever on cnn? does nancy grace ever plaster her fat, smug, cock-sucking visage all over the television screen for those kids?

no. because that's not news.

my sister's new catchphrase is, "(insert random thing here) is for poor people."

"Being cold is for poor people."

"Ew, peas are for poor people."

"Socks are for poor people."

etc...

it'd be annoying if it wasn't so incongruously amusing.

in other news, i can't spend anymore money because i have very little in my account, and i don't know if i'll have a job next semester, so i need that money for other stuff.

i dislike being poor. :/

in other other news, being confused by straight girls who stroke the palm of your hand with their thumb and call you baby is quite the fustercluck.

it's cold and i can't get warm. it sucks.

now i know on a .000000000000001% scale how junkies feel.

ummmm....what else?

oh yes, hugh laurie and stephen fry are gods. the end.

for some reason, i'm totally craving chocolate chip waffles covered in peanut butter. i have the peanut butter, but i only have plain waffles and i don't think anywhere's open....

grrrr....

happy new year!

some fucked up dreams last night. then again, i had a mountain dew, then *sniffle* my last energy drink and then went to bed, 'cause i was exhausted.

that's not even a word and I agree with ya!

i need a marathon of something to keep me awake. house, family guy, some weird documentary, something...

oh well...off to channel surf until dawn.

my last day with caffeine.

*snifflesniffle*

this is not an entry on constipation. that's another time.

i'm declaring an embargo on shampoo. no more will i spend ten bucks just to dump a buttload of chemicals on my scalp.

anywho, i'm considering this college in kentucky. it gives every student a full scholarship for tuition and also assists them with various other fees and whatnot. it's a notable southern school, ranked #1 comprehensive college by U.S. News & World Report. It has a work-study program that contributes to living expenses and they even aid in various other fees and stuff.

in other words, if accepted, i could emerge from college virtually debt free...

hmmmm...

there is an episode of Futurama that I can't even let myself watch. Fry reanimates a dog he had back in the past and in some form or fashion, loses the dog again. In the end, he comments that maybe the dog didn't care so much for him after all. This in itself is an innocuous conclusion, but at the end of the episode, you see the dog waiting for Fry to come. He waits and waits and waits through wind, rain, and snow, patiently waiting for his master to return to him. it is at this point that i am sobbing hysterically, my heart feeling like it's been put through a dull paper shredder. i can't even let myself glimpse the episode for fear that the memory itself will make me cry. i can feel my throat closing up right now just thinking about it.

there's an episode of family guy (of all things) that i can't bring myself to watch. chris is attending his grandfather's old school and in order to be accepted by his grandfather, he partakes in a ridiculously cruel game. they go to an orphanage with a car filled with toys and such and pick out a small child to "take home" only to torment the child with a locked door. while the intention of the segment is to point out the exaggerated cruelty of the upper crust of society, just watching the clip makes me want to scream in pain and frustration.

am i weak to feel this way? the second i saw the image above, my heart broke. i don't know the circumstances behind the picture itself, but the caption made me want to cry and immediately brought back memories of that damned episode. but back to my point, am i weak to be unable to see those in pain without feeling pained myself? in times of conflict or emotional distress, i retreat to this cynical cocoon of not caring, but for some things, it just...hurts. that ache of abandonment, that innocence to the bitter end, be it child or beast, it hurts.

i would cut off every limb, cut out my heart with a butter knife and eat it raw to never let anyone experience that pain.

28 hours and counting...

on the upside, i get to go to lunch with her, provided she can find my house...

and then, i get to spend the evening with my bestest buddies!

then?

BED.

so i'm feeling kinda nauseous but that's probably just from the mickey d's i had earlier.

better news, i now have a camera! FINALLY. it's purty and red and awesome! and it was only 99 bucks!

:D